MOTHER OF DRAGONS. NO. MOTHER OF BURRITOS.

Burritos may be the most delicious meal on earth. All your favorite foods all wrapped up in a big warm tortilla.  Sometimes big enough to hold like a little baby or big enough to have a romantic moment with.  Except it wont cry for a bottle or  break your heart and most importantly it wont let you freeze in the Atlantic ocean.  

“There will always be space on my raft for you burrito.”
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The ingredients vary from place to place.
Meat, beans, rice, onion/cilantro and salsa.
Some have guacamole, sour cream, cheese lettuce and other veggies.

this one is from Boca Del Rio
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The California burrito has fries in it. Yes friends, fries.
This one is from Alberts Mexican Food
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All of them have their own charm and endearing qualities.
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I’ve been contemplating my love/hate relationship with rice in my burritos. I think rice may be the evil that breaks your burrito into a exploded mess.

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One side of the tortilla flaps open to dump all the rice right on your lap.  When a burrito explodes we all know it wasn’t a random event. Sure, we can all blame it on Sauron but I’m sure even his beautiful blazoned eye would shed a single tear.  Truly a sad event.  I suppose thats why forks exist.  But still, the “fun” in a burrito has now become defeat.

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Of course I’m not going to be the asshole that tells you the rice is the evil (even though it kinda is).

Lets think about the ingredients.

  • Sometimes its the beans-too much bean water that makes everything soggy.
  • The greasy meat– that not only saturate your arteries but also the tortilla
  • or sometimes its the guacamole and sour cream that makes the whole thing turn into a handheld slip and slide.
  • RICE!!-piece-y. Usually greasy.  Soft and hard to control.

Let’s not play the blame game.  Every burrito has a different personality and should all be treated with respect.

What if YOU are the one to blame for the explosion?
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There are many different ways to eat a burrito.
I like to unwrap and assess the situation (which side looks more stable)  I wrap the foil/paper around the less crazy bulgy side and immediatly consume the precarious side.  The stable side is what will save you.

this burrito from Chipotle was bulgy on both sides. “choose wisely.”
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At a certain point you will be able to sit your burrito down on its own little fat ass.
here’s the burrito sitting down in front me. my date, the burrito.  This ones from Taco Del Rio.
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But when you get to this section of the burrito you know you’re in the clear and you’re beyond the exploded burrito.

And this is the way way you feel.
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So even if you’re the worst burrito eater that immediately goes for the fork and knife (only ok for a wet burrito).  Although I would be mildly entertained by the person that tries to eat a wet burrito with their hands.

Get it girl!
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photo courtesy
http://thesimpsons.com
http://cartoonnetwork.com
http://www.yelp.com/biz/taco-del-rio-la-puente
http://www.yelp.com/biz/alberts-mexican-food-la-puente
http://www.yelp.com/biz/boca-del-rio-la-puente
http://www.buzzfeed.com/kincairm/12-classic-love-scenes-improved-by-a-chipotle-burr-a4wp

MOUTH MURDERS.

There are certain types of foods that merely exist to destroy your mouth.
There are the evil foods that cut the roof of your mouth and there are the bastards that burn the shit out of your tongue.
Both classes of foods are equally as demonic and delicious.
Sometimes you forget how much damage these foods do because but we partake anyway.
I’m sure we CAN wait a few minutes to let things cool down, but I’m hungry NOW!
Plus, I’m sure its fine, right?
Are we masochists? Cocky? Idiots?
As a seasoned eater of foods and drinker of hot beverages I think I have a technique for all food and drinks. But my eagerness and hunger always proves to be my demise.
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Burning your tongue via Pizza is an easy road to pain. Pizza looks so innocent, but underneath that delicious cheese sheet lies a hot steamy devil.
Cutting the roof of your mouth really sucks because if you get it good enough you can taste a hint of blood. Mmmm. Yuck.
Thanks Captain Crunch!
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Crispy bread can be a sonofabitch. Please proceed with caution when eating a ciabatta sandwich. These sandwiches are quite treacherous.
Right when you get your hands on a crispy sandwich you know what you’re in for.
Get ready to go for a ride!
There’s no right way to bite into it and NOT injure yourself.
You gotta dedicate. Think of it as “extreme” eating.
So relax and take a moment to think about the next few days.
Do you need your taste buds?
Are you comfortable having a tore up mouth?
More than likely you can practice a bit of patience or try not to order the crunchiest piece of bread. Sip your coffee or blow on your soup. Lets all try and be responsible adults.
rr